Ten Things I Believe My Cat is Thinking When He Blinks

Okay, I no longer have any pets, which, to be honest, I rarely miss. However, I did share an apartment with a black and white cat named Norm, who was named after the fat guy on "Cheers," of course. Regardless of the cat's weight or temperment, I'm sure all cat owners (notice I didn't use the phrase "cat lovers"?) have noticed the way a feline will blink at you. It is a slow blink. A blink that suggestions thoughts: thoughts of judgement not particularly in your favor.

Below are ten thoughts I believe good old Norm was thinking when he made said blinks.

1.) “You aren’t thinking of replacing me with a midget , are you?”

2.) “May I have another nickelbag of catnip?”

3.) “I have absolutely no idea why the insides of your shoes feel warm and moist.”

4.) “Yeah, I want to purr in your lap for you. Hey, I know---while we are at it, mind checking to see if I licked my ass clean enough?”

5.) I have a feeling he is singing various old Salt N’ Peppa songs, “If I-want to a guy-home with me tonight,- it’s none of your business!”

6.) “What happened to my balls?”

7.) “I have been nominated by the neighborhood squirrels to plead that you stop walking around the apartment naked.”

8.) “What? You don’t like that I defecated on the carpet? That’s fine; I don’t like the fact that my litterbox smells like a decaying donkey.”

9.) “How is it that you can accidently pee on the seat of the toilet, and it isn’t the end of the world, but everyone starts suggesting retardation when I miss the litterbox?”

10.) “You smell like pig semen!!”